An off-campus party where no one knows me; guy in a flannel wants to fuck me—on a futon covered in coats. “Take off your panties.” Wet mouth on my ear. “Put it back in the holster, Cowboy,” I say. In the living room everyone is the color of frozen-dinner fried chicken. “Anyway, I’m wearing tights.”

Red turns green. One hand on the wheel; the other on my thigh. “Dearest, my heart swells for you like a blister—hot and liquid. I’ll splinter and crack if you aren’t puss-y pulsing pimple in love with me.” I pat his hand; it’s easiest. Rubber screams. I gasp. A deer frozen in the headlights like a deer frozen in the headlights.

Hands fumble; things moisten. Chaos theory on an unmade bed. “Do you?” “I was a girl scout.” I wink. In the nightstand drawer with loose change, batteries, decorations not used last shindig. “That fucking uber cunt fugly slut, she took the last one!” On the wall there’s a stain like no two thumbprints.

Shari Goldhagen is a native Ohioan who holds a lot of writing degrees from Big Ten Schools in the Midwest: A journalism degree from Northwestern and an MFA from Ohio State. While writing Family and Other Accidents, Shari stalked celebrities for The National Enquirer, Life & Style and Celebrity Living Weekly. She also received generous fellowships from Yaddo, MacDowell and the Ohioana Library Association. Shari currently lives in New York City where she teaches fiction and works as a freelance writer.

Family and Other Accidents : A Novel by Shari Goldhagen